16 Essentials for Succeeding as A Writer in 2014

1. Crippling Self-Doubt Cutely Coupled With Billowing Anxiety

2. Wool Socks (trust me)

3. An Intractable Heaviness Seemingly Adhered To Your DNA

4. A Villainous Laugh For Moments of Sporadic Mania

5. A Quirky Tendency To Point Out Your Own Quirky Tendencies To Other People, Who Definitely Will Find This Endearing and Not At All Repellent (trust me)

6. Probably Nail Clippers

7. Smug Assuredness of Your Unique Perspective and Shrewd Voice, Which Come But Once In a Generation, and Could Peel Paint Off a Wall With Such Brazen Insights As, “You see, it’s societal.”

8. An Enthusiasm for Starvation

9. A Sterling Tea Service To Wow Occasional Guests (Optional)

10. At Least Nine Social Media Platforms To Refresh With Increasing Frequency As You Ignore The Typos You Know To Be Multiplying In Your Manuscript, Which Is Minimized On Your Computer And Will Stay Minimized Until a Fit Of Inspiration (read: Jealousy) Forces You To Open It And Get Back To Work

11. Another Pair of Wool Socks Because Those Other Ones Have Somehow Been Imbued With The Vestigial Animosity of a Forgotten God, and Must Be Washed

12. An Absolute Lack of Informed Opinions

13. The Ability To Sift Through a Platter of Feedback For Just the Compliments

14. Probably The Words ‘Heteronormative,’ ‘Privilege,’ ‘Husk,’ and ‘Vestigial.’

15. Not Grammar

16. And Finally, Lots Of Time To Imagine Your Repertoire of Witty Answers To Interviews That You Will Inevitably Have To Endure Someday, Probably Soon, Because Your Fortune Cookie Said “Big Changes Are Coming Soon,” And You’d Like To Believe That This Is In Reference To a Book Deal and Not Your Imminent Divorce From Sanity