What the hell is a Praline? An investigation

The other day I posted a status on Facebook that earnestly asked what a praline might be, because honestly I’ve never been able to figure it out passively, and by god I do NOT plan on googling that. What if it’s horrible? I hate googling horrible things.

Anyways, I got varied responses on and off Facebook, including two notification that I was being disowned by those that swear by pralines, but still no real answer. So, as an act of investigative and imaginative pageantry, I’m setting about to list what I think a praline might be. Here are my best guesses:

  1.  Something with frills, like a doily, that you use to line curtains and tablecloths and nice sheets with, but after a few washes they curl in on themselves, like tiny fists of broken fingers, and you become self conscious of them every time you have your in-laws over. “Oh, did you see her pralines?” you hear your mother in law scoff to her husband. “They were so withered! Just like her broccoli rabe.”
  2. A very pampered horse.
  3. An incredibly poisonous sea slug.
  4. A mystical crystal spoken of in lore with exactly two powers:
    1. Projecting images of the kingdom’s future through it’s faceted lens, except everything is distorted into overly pastel shades, all the hems are scalloped, and everyone is wearing a lot of blush so it’s difficult to make out who is being poisoned, who is angry, and who is blushing. This isn’t how the future is going to be, of course, but every time The Praline is criticized for distortion, it huffs and mewls and chalks it all up to ‘whimsical interpretations.’
    2. Offering you somewhat critical compliments on your choice of wig, all in the voice of Calista Flockhart.
  5. Pralines might just be a normalized possessive, as in: Praline’s. This begs the question of, “Who is Praline?” and “What was theirs?” My best guess is:
    1. Scooter Praline is a surly saloon-owner from a Spaghetti Western movie. Aside from her intense racism, she is also known for her pickling. Long after the fire took her and her tavern to dust, Praline’s pickled <<insert gross, undigestible animal part here>> kept her on the tongues of many admirers.
  6. I know that those Italian cookies already have a name, but if I had to make one up for them and I didn’t have much time I’d go with Praline. It would make sense, yes? A praline sounds like some sort of pastry, something with a chalky crunch to it.
  7. A misspelling of ‘Praliens,’ which I can only imagine is an intensely evangelical race of praying aliens, with slitted eyes and pinched faces and little, floral coin purses. They’ve come to Earth in–well, not quite Peace–but perhaps to make the helpful suggestion that we should all let Jesus into our hearts? Perhaps before they enslave us and sell the planet into an interstellar bowling competition? People who love to pray also love to bowl.
  8. The bar wench.
  9. A line of sparkler candles that was discontinued in the 90s because, seventeen ruined birthday parties and four cases of blindness later, it became clear that the brightest stars always burn out the quickest. We miss you, Pralines.
  10. The original subject of Dolly Parton’s song ‘Jolene,’ which was changed to Jolene after Dolly Parton discovered what a Praline actually was, which I envy her for.
  11. The name of a ghost who organizes things and gets a little testy when you squeeze the toothpaste from the wrong end.
  12. The bar wench’s older sister, who thinks herself fancy and wears a lot of eyeshadow and who, thinking all her prettification has paid off, gets tricked into going to the ball with the worst, most smarmy duke of all. We can only wish her well, because really the story focuses on her sister, the bar wench (not the one name Praline, that’s a different bar wench, don’t be silly).
  13. One of the many inscrutable devices that women use to make their hair look the way it looks.
  14. Maybe a sort of pie?
  15. Rainbow Brite’s sister/sidekick, killed off in season 2.

Am I even a little bit close? Any and all suggestions are welcomed in the comments.

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